I support Mitt Romney. Not just for President (POTUS for the pompous in the crowd), but also his business practices. Since everyone seems to be interested in the bullshit debates and I actually used to be in debate, I will present my support in Lincoln-Douglas Debate form.
As the American economy is unequivocally decomposing to the shambled remains of a shit filled, factory farm hog house and the only way to repair the catastrophes caused by what is essentially financial hoarding is to eliminate more jobs, I must affirm today’s resolution of, “Resolved: The citizens of the United States of America ought to surrender complete control of the nation to Mitt Romney to run as he sees fit.”
The highest value for today’s debate will be divine right, the idea that rulers receive their authority from a higher power, historically most prevalent in monarchies.
The criterion that we will be judging the value by is utilitarian justice, essentially what is the most just for the most people.
Definitions: Merriam Webster Dictionary
Citizen: a native or naturalized person who owes allegiance to a government and is entitled to protection from it. (So, not Mexicans)
Control: to have power over
Contention 1: Mitt Romney is a man of the people.
Many address concerns that he doesn’t understand what real people go through, a dastardly mistruth. He really understands people. While being heckled in August of last year he said, “Corporations are people my friends… of course they are.” A beautiful quote that warrants no further explanation. And he truly cares about everyone. In January he said, "I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there." That means he believes in the system and is confident that the very poor can get by. Even those that make as little as $250K/year. Mitt grew up in a regular loving multi-millionaire family built on the pillars of respect, a strong handshake, and net gains. He went to a regular elite prep school where he played sports, maybe went to class, and held down a fellow student and shaved his hair because it was, ”gay” (a real thing that happened). He also worked a regular job where he controlled a company whose disclosed assets peaked around $12 billion and then made some regular mistakes that unfortunately shut down a few companies. Only providence, the direction of a higher power, can explain how these mistakes ended up making his employer more money. You can see that, just like us, Mitt had a family, went to school, and has been a regular working Joe. He even makes mistakes like the rest of us.
Contention 2: Mitt Romney understands what is important.
Romney has received great criticism for his time at Bain Capital, a venture capital firm he cofounded that invests in and purchases companies that are seen as greatly profitable and provide a service. Some of the companies Bain currently owns and has a stake in are AMC Entertainment, Burger King, Domino’s Pizza, Dunkin Donuts, Guitar Center, The Sports Authority, Toys R Us, Warner Music Group, and The Weather Channel. The companies of Bain provide Americans with good American food, entertainment, and the smooth jazz of the weather channel. The bulk of the criticism Romney has received for his involvement in Bain stems from eliminating jobs to streamline companies and increase profits and making decisions that led to the closings of 100’s of stores, plants, and offices. Many of the stores closed were KB Toys, the terrible mall toy store company that went bankrupt in 2004 and was owned by Bain. As far as I can find evidence, no one ever made a purchase from KB Toys, because they only sold shit. Sure dozens of miserable high school kids lost their jobs, but freeing up all of that mall space for a new Jamba Juice is a net gain for the nation. And Bain made more money. Romney understands that blended juices are more important for the advancement of America than shitty toys, which should be a pillar of his campaign
Contention 3: Rises of unemployment and what is to follow.
With Romney in control, jobs would be eliminated by the millions. This sounds like a downside to his control, but seriously guys, unemployment is fucking awesome. Has anyone ever been on unemployment? It's so great, you don’t have to do ANYTHING! You don't have to do shit and you just get money. Once enough Americans are jobless and voiceless, Mitt will declare himself king as God has doubtlessly chosen him. He will then eliminate all social programs and safety nets, citing God telling him people have to work to earn a living and a life, just like he did. The following social collapse will be catastrophic. We’re talking French Revolution type shit. The poor and working class, left without protection, help, or even acknowledgement of fucking existence, will finally put aside their differences, realize that a dichotomous system of Democrats and Republicans is a distractionary illusion, and work together to rise up and brutally murder the rich in the streets. Mitt Romney will then be captured by his forgotten subjects, aggressively dragged onto the lawn in front of the White House or whatever castle he has built by that point, and then he will be fucked to death by one of his wife’s pointless, insanely expensive horses, the final death of the rich controlling class, allowing for the citizens to once again organize and reform a government of the people, by the people, for the people, a stark contrast to the financial aristocracy that currently exists.
Yes, the surrender of control to Mitt Romney’s divine right will lead to years of suffering and oppression, but it will also lead to a much more needed and important cultural awakening. People will throw down the shackles of oppression that they currently embrace as, “a good job and a roof over their head” and realize that life is about progress, love, and growth, instead of just getting by while working hands to the bone for the profits of the entitled shit cunt rich few. Truly utilitarian justice.
(Hopefully at least one disenfranchised debate nerd enjoyed this. I think it was worth the time.